They say bad things happen in threes, and last week they were right. Last week was the week from Hell, pure Hell. This week… this week has been truly life changing. What I’m about to share with you is a true series of events, the aftermath of the storm, and the confirmation that it is well with my soul. To kick it all off I just want to say that the universe is not capable of creating such intertwined masterpieces, but God is. His timing and plans are always truly eye opening and perfect. We just have to open our eyes and look beyond the surface to how it all fits together.
For the last few months I’ve been experiencing a complete spiritual disconnect. I didn’t understand it. Praising, worshiping, listening to sermons, applying things to everyday life… those things come easy and natural to me. Lately, that’s far from the truth. Jeremy and I talked through it, almost daily. Some days were really dark and I wondered how I would ever pull through. I didn’t understand it. There was no motivation for the things I once had passion for, both in church and work. I was in a funk that I didn’t know how to get out of. There were some underlying life events that happened, which didn’t help the situation, but that wasn’t the cause of the spiritual funk. I thought it was Satan doing his thing, what he’s best at. I prayed for God to get me out of it, for him to use me, for him to restore my passion to serve and for me to be happy again. I didn’t like how I felt, didn’t want to feel it, and I tried to pray it away. That’s generally what we do in the middle of a spiritual disconnect and hard times, pray the hurt away. Last week everything came to a head: Family and friends, the past, and our dog passed. It came in three’s… Hell Week. I still saw it as Satan’s schemes. What I couldn’t see was what God was about to do. Trust God always, even when it feels like he’s no longer on your side. He’s still there.
One of the three events last week caused a lot of pain from my past to resurface, childhood and teenage years. I questioned it really hard. I have been over and healed from this part of my life for a really, really long time. Why was this all the sudden resurfacing again? What was happening? Confusion set in. Then our dog passed away on the first day of our church’s Awaken to Potential Conference, our version of a revival. I set there at church Sunday night unable to concentrate. I was pissed at the week’s events. I felt like I didn’t have God in my corner anymore. I didn’t want to sing. I didn’t want to listen to what anyone had to say. I was a body in a church, and that was the extent of my existence that night. I wanted to go home and sleep it off. Monday, the pieces started to fall together. Someone needed me, and the need related to my teenage years. “So, this is why all the sudden the past had reared itself? Ok. I get it now.” Those were my thoughts as of Monday. I didn’t have it all figured out yet.
Tuesday, on the way to work, I prayed for clarity and for God to help me figure out all of this mess from the last week and a half of my life. I prayed out loud so I could really focus. Once I finished I thought… and thought… and something clicked within me. It was like my brain, heart, and soul finally were finally able to sync once again. God clearly revealed the reason for my spiritual disconnect. See, sometimes when we are connected to serving in a specific area of church or work or home and we get in this rhythm of comfortability and routine, everything becomes predictable and safe. Safety isn’t always effective when reaching people who are hurting and need help. Safe people are just that… safe. If someone is drowning in the ocean, they’re obviously not safe. And, if you are standing ashore, far from them, you’re not in danger. When they call out to you for help, you don’t stay where you’re at yelling at them: “Good luck! I’ll pray for you!” You take off running, abandoning your safety to save their life!
I had built up this understanding of “This is where I am meant to serve. I feel like God called me here to be involved in this ministry, and this is where I belong.” But, over a few months, the disconnect began… for no specific reason. I just knew and felt myself drifting, and I couldn’t get back to where I once was. God revealed to me that sometimes he has to empty us when we are full in one area prepare us for something different and unrelated. See, if I’m invested in one thing but God needs my heart, soul, passion, and life experiences for something else… I can’t be used to the best of my ability. If he empties me and brings old emotions to the surface, then I will be more sensitive and relatable to someone going through the same thing I once faced.
God was emptying and disconnecting me of one thing to build me up for someone else. I always pray for Him to use me. That prayer is a huge responsibility, and one I don’t take lightly. With that responsibility, sometimes life is a little bit like a roller coaster; but I never want to get off the ride. When He laid his plan out, I began to understand the reason for my struggle wasn’t about me at all. That’s when all the pain, confusion, and sadness I had been feeling suddenly lifted. The world now feels brighter. My happiness is back. I feel my purpose again. I know that God is still there, and He is using me. I realize that this is way bigger than myself. He uses us to help people. He uses pain to heal people. He empties us to fill others up.
I knew, in my heart, that this was God speaking to me. I knew this was his handiwork. Tuesday, this was all further confirmed. I finished up doing a hair color at work and decided to go outside to write in the warm sunshine. I opened up my laptop, and the sun was so bright that I couldn’t even see the screen. So, I put my laptop down and went to get my sunglasses. I put them on, sat down again, opened up the laptop, and began to write my first word. As soon as I began to type a wasp flew at my face. Wasps = Winged Devils. I hate them! So, I got up and moved to a different location. I sat down again, began to type my first sentence and out of my peripheral I saw something next to my leg. I looked down and there was a BLACK WIDOW about to crawl right on my leg! I jumped up, slammed my laptop shut, and went back in. I was like… This is definitely something I’m supposed to write about because those two creatures are walking, flying pictures of Satan!! A black widow… really? Satan didn’t win this time though. The words are out. You can take back your army of wasps, black widows, and other terrible things that come in three’s. God pulled me out of my funk. I have a purpose, and the Armor of God is impenetrable! Bring it dude… bring it.
Peace, Love, and Jesus,